What are we supposed to do?

On a day like this, the sun rose as usual; and as most days I dressed for work. As the old saying goes “The early bird gets the worm”, so did I get mine as I got in the office first. However, this worm is neither for my pocket nor my mouth; but for the brain. And I would like to share with you, for the worm is bigger than what I can mentally swallow.

The night before I had gotten news that a very beautiful lady, a model to be specific; had been murdered by her house boy and yet she had a wedding in a month. Few weeks ago, I learnt about the death of a father with her four children, and yet he had buried his first born several month before due to breathing dysfunction. The five died in a car accident and only the mother survived.

Today I tried to wear the mother’s shoes and see the world from her angle, and those of the model’s boyfriend. I didn’t mind much about the dead cause they are gone, and the problem remains with us who are still alive. Looking at things the mother had a life for her children, and the boy had plans with her girlfriend. So now that they are gone, what are they supposed to do? Start afresh?

That is not for me to ask actually, cause everyone carries his own luggage until there nothing to carry anymore. I looked back into my life to see what I have to show for it, and apart from my clothes, few books and a broken laptop; there was nothing. It does not mean that I’m not grateful for what I have done with my life, cause I have learned and got soft skills that help survive here on the ground. But all that will die with me in the ground.

I’m surrounded with people with big plans, and huge dreams. My job is to help them achieve those dreams, has been my job for sometime. Cause for me, I don’t know what I want, for what I want is something that remains even after I’m gone, something that will beat the test of time. And to be honest I don’t know what that is. All I know is, for what most people want, it takes sometime to get to it; but only a fraction of a second close to no time so it takes to loose it.

You know the most interesting thing about human beings, is how we gave definitions to everything yet nothing is defined. We created time and started planning basing on it. People will mostly ask you “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. I think a proper question should be “Where do you see yourself tomorrow?”. For we don’t know whether we shall even last that long.

So here fellow traveler of life, the worm I would like us to share is “What are we supposed to do?” with the life we’re given. Whoever is able to chew it, swallow it and the brain digests it; please tell me how. Cause if you go before me, at least you will exist a little longer in my world, within the realm of educators.

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Brain damage

I just found myself here, I don’t know how I landed in this body. However, for some reasons I haven’t figured out yet how to explain, I find myself and the body as two different entities. Don’t ask me why, cause I don’t know. I only hope that one time I figure it out.

In the meantime, I just feed this body of mine food and knowledge; so that it stays alive and understanding. But then again, I wonder, how sure am I that the knowledge I feed it is true? At the moment only science helps me out, and observation is the key.

I have lived a fifth of my dream years of existence on this world, or should I write “my existence in time and space”, for I know there’s another dimension beyond my understanding and yet how I exist in it, affects my travel in the later.

Wait, wait, wait. Does the previous paragraph imply that we live in four dimensions? So far I can only try to understand three dimensions, and believe that the fourth exists as well. However I don’t know whether the fourth is either single or divided into multiple dimensions?

Well, thinking could be endless sometimes. It can help solve problems, as much as it raises more than you can solve if you’re neither persistent or patient enough. But still I love it, regardless the amount of brain damage it can cause.

Time is rolling

Time is rolling

In the silence of a noisy world (Part 2)

I wonder why my brain chose to end the first with a “to be continued” statement, but I believe my heart knew it was worth it. Each story has an end and a beginning. On this Earth of ours things change day and night, and the same rule is not only for nature; it is also applied to human beings. However much they think they are above the law of nature to destroy it, due to the power they were given by the Almighty to have contr0l over it.

In the silence of a noisy world I lost speech in front of the eyes of the one I wished to hear me the most, cause words weren’t enough and I was too weak to act. I still fail to understand whether the spark was to bright to blind my eyes, or I was too blind to see it. I tried to read the eyes, and express my heart. I believe I was never understood. I play Billie Holiday, now the willow weeps for me.

She chose to go, while I was to stay. Why would a man hang on parallel lines? A question i have always failed to answer. Little things may seem much, while more things may seem null. And that applies both ways, just keep the while where it is supposed to be. The world keeps changing, and when you understand the fact that anything can happen; then you get to know the rules of survival.

Now the world has gone so much noisy that it has lost its silence, or maybe I lost the time to listen. The thrill is gone, and I long for something better. Cause what I thought was best has lost its taste;and no salt or pepper can get back the pleasure of putting it on table. Love is a reflected feeling, don’t expect it when it’s no more. However much you try; you only hurt your own heart.

 

 

 

In the pit

Words written by a young man in desperate times, when the world was so dark in his eyes that he wondered what hell could be when life is worse. First born of his father, yet never been sure if he was. For his life was nothing but lies he kept learning as he grew. He lived a short life that history doesn’t remember his name, for he left nothing behind to bear it.

A dreamer, that’s what he was. Smart in some ways, but always afraid for he was not sure whether he was crazy or not. He wrote these words when the mind was already dead, while the flesh was still treading the earth. In the pit of misery that’s where he existed. Without a choice he lived in the shadows of his father, just as his mother.

Found no love in the world, he tried to escape; That’s when he learned that death was the only way out. He didn’t know how to go when he wrote these words, cause he was still trying to find a painless way to die. “People don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness. ” so he read; and that was the voice that kept echoing in his brain.

“When the world means nothing, life is useless.” I read that from his thoughts. He always believed there were someone else existing in his skull. You may wonder how does one think like that, but here is a typical proof. I was among the entities existing in his skull, and that’s how I learned his story.

I tried to write it as soon as I could, before his flesh collapses. For I was also to fade when his soul was to escape his body to the unknown. I didn’t try to reason him not to go, for I always wanted the best for him. May be I’m a fool as he was, but I’m sure to most people he was a genius, talented and good at most everything he did. Though he always failed to understand how he does it too.

He had always believed that death is a lone journey, which made him live a life that didn’t count on human beings. He grew up in a Christian family, but it only made his lifetime a quest for the way out of confusion; sadly the more he sought the truth, the more he got confused. For nothing was ever as it seemed.

Hopeless, so you may think he was; but he is the most optimistic guy I ever known. It is hard to be a burning flame in the ocean bed believe me, that’s what made me understand his choice. “Be courageous!” was what he was told most, but I know it’s not what he needed. For it’s more than courage to end your own life as he did.

Most of what happened in his life was never his choice, but he was always blamed for choosing badly. Then he decided to make the last choice in his life. There are things we do not have control over, sometimes our own life is one of them. How would you ride a crazy train when you ain’t the driver to hope stopping it? So he thought.

He tried to dream, and make plans for his future; but found none. That’s why he lived the present as much as he could. It’s funny how life can be so long with a so short story, and so short with a so long story. When he realized his misery was caused by his roots and that he could not cut them off, he decided to be the dead branch, no fruit or leaves just a rotten wood wait for its fall as he fades from memories of his loved ones. He was the happiest and saddest person I know, I was blessed to live with him. These were also my last words, cause I can’t let him go alone.

#death, #guts, #life, #suicide, #time

Lonely is how we end!

Lonely is how we end, flesh to dust; bones to ashes. Ages sweep them like a gentle blow on a lighting candle away it fades the flame. We love, but is it love of it’s not mutual?For only hatred a lone heart can bear. I trod the Earth to find wisdom, in the womb I found it. A shapeless cell to a man it stands. What more would I expect?

I loved, too deep I dug; to find the truth, but doubt was the rock I could not brake. And it turns to the question, what’s love without trust and where is the choice without it’s ending? For we fall in love by chance and stay by choice.

Life is short believe me, live everyday like the last, and strive to die happy in the end. And then again it turns to the question,Where does happiness come from? I’m neither a genius nor wise to know the truth. But I have lived that’s all I know. A heart without regrets, therein resides a happy soul. Take every chance you can grab nothing was meant to stop you but to make you stronger.

I once met a merchant selling love, so priceless it was, it could not be bought. Cause trust was to buy it all. He chose to give it to a princess who always doubted it’s existence yet he could never stop to polish it with truth and hope for it to remain.

Days went by, nights came along; the fall was too deep that the edge could not be seen, but a sudden wall was built. As strong as his love was; as soft as it could be broken. In the despair of his crash, he looked above and found a goddess; the illusion of truth hidden in the lies of a good smile and sunshine eyes those he had fallen for. The ones he kept running from, forgetting in his world they could not fade.

“May be this is my last hope.” gently he told himself, stretching his arm for her to reach. And there I stood watching him waiting and waiting, hoping for the goddess to lift him up. And I asked myself ”Why did he run in the first place?” after a quarrel with my thoughts, I found the answer; ”she is a goddess and he is not more than a merchant.”

The clouds that shaped her body were faded, and the sun that shone her face was lost in the doom shades of the eclipse when she turned away from the hopeless begging merchant. There he laid with the rain through his glasses it painted his cheek white, long after it was dried. I asked him “why?”
With a hopeless look he looked at me with red eyes he said “Why did she go? Is this the end?”

As the mind in his body I tried to reveal the truth of the lustful love he called true. His heart would not understand me for it wanted to prove it was true. I told it don’t give me the hard work to mend you, for I can’t tell your structure but I can help finding a heart that would. He sent me to quest, playing tricks as much as I could, I failed to fetch one. For all were sacrificed for the goddess.

I wonder how this will end, is it lonely as we end? As the mind I find him as fool as the heart he says he is human and that their kind have feelings. You know what I hate most about feelings? I have always failed to control them. Like when he gets angry he does crazy stupid things, and I’m the mind to regret and make him promise not to ever do it again. For as joint as we are, we make him the man he is; the fool who is afraid to die a fool. HAHAH!! I always laugh when that thought comes to me. Thanks for reading those are the tales of a broken heart.

#broken, #guts, #illusion, #life, #love, #lust, #poetry, #true-love, #truth, #wisdom

The inquisitor and the mad man

Dear Lord is this your will upon my breath?
A tormented soul with a sad heart;
pain on my dish, sorrow count my wealth,
day like night, steel shade my glass.

I’m He the pain and joy,
I feed on your prayers;
Pain defines my glory,
beg for your sky to unfold.

I raised my voice to the heavens,
with hopeless hopes I prayed;
faith fading, I sung to your deafness,
forgotten, on your feet I laid.

I hear and see,
I save and kill,
Your life, my will;
I made the sea.

I regret, the vain beliefs,
On my own, the earth I tread;
Live and die, below is my relief,
you are just an inquisitor dead in my creed.

#blasphemy, #guts, #life, #poem-2, #poet, #poetry, #truth